Thug Life Army

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first ever Ghetto Scandalous Awards, brought to you by MP3.com. Please join me in honoring urban music's best and brightest by recognizing their most scandalous and embarrassing moments and presenting them with awards for their behavior. Please remember, this is a nonviolent award ceremony--there will be no rushing the winners, so please stay in your seats and keep your shanks to yourself.

And the winners are:

The "Surrealest Couple" Award – Flavor Flav and Brigitte Nielsen

First, Jermaine Dupri scores Janet Jackson, then Jay-Z wins Beyoncé, now this? How Flav managed to get Red Sonja alone in a hotel room beats the flavor out of me. Next thing you know, we’ll be seeing Biz Markie sitting in a tree with Mandy Moore.

The "Most Glamorous Mug Shot" Award - Kimora Lee (Wife of Russell Simmons)

After being pulled over for drug and traffic violations, Baby Phat's sexy owner/designer/model showed no shame in displaying a playful, cutesy smile as she posed for her mug shot. And is it just me, or is she complementing that smile with two middle fingers deliberately holding up that serial plate?

The "I Wish I Had the Most Glamorous Mug Shot" Award - Faith Evans

Faith, Faith, Faith. You''re rich and famous, so what's with the bummy rags? Stop blowing your hard-earned cash on coke and buy yourself a new shirt--one with a tighter collar, at least. Let this mug shot be a lesson for us all to brush our hair before stepping out. And, of course, don''t forget clean underwear.

The "I''ve Been to Court So Much, I Should Get an Award…" Award - P. Diddy

Shooting up nightclubs, traumatizing his getaway driver, attacking a radio host, getting sued by one of his baby's mamas, threatening a photographer, assaulting a former intern, and having his bodyguards beat down an annoying fan are only some of the many reasons why P. Dizzle deserves some kind of award.

The "Label with More Criminals than Talent" Award – (Murder) Inc.

Let's see. This label has one-bird-brain shy of being-a-songbird Ashanti and a munchkin studio-gangster Ja Rule as its so-called headliners. The manager/bookkeeper's a reputed money launderer, and the CEO's ongoing relationship with a well-known drug lord has him in the middle of numerous murder investigations and charges of tax evasion. You be the judge on who the real breadwinners in this company are--legal or not.

The "Sore Losing Cry Baby" Award – Kanye West

Cocky Kanye won my respect by pouring his little heart out after losing the AMA's Best New Artist award to country star Gretchen Wilson, claiming he was "definitely robbed." Kanye seems to believe his overly recycled drum beats and amateurish metaphoric lines deserve much more credit than they''ve already been given.

The "He Kinda Makes Cents" Award - 50 Cent

Inspired by Kobe Bryant's recent playa foul, 50 Cent reports that he videotapes all sexual encounters within his bedroom walls in case any of his former flings decides to make any false rape accusations. Brotha's got a valid point--now show us some of that Vivica tape!

The "Damn, He Sucks?" Award – Lloyd Banks

Lloyd was wrongfully fingered as the star of a gay porn flick called Bam 2: Thug.Ultimately, the real actor (Ty Lattimore) came forward to claim credit, lifting the load from Mr. Banks'' shoulders. G-Unit? Let's not go there.

The "Only If It Comes with a ''Bonus DVD''" Award – Paris Hilton "Screwed" CD

Speaking of videos, the CD featuring Paris Hilton's recording of "Screwed" (featuring production from Lil Jon) would probably sell better if amateur director (and former Paris beau) Rick Salomon shared some of the glory by including his famous video masterpiece with the CD. Just imagine watching those scenes while Lil Jon rhythmically screams "Yeah!" and "OK!" in the background music. Now that I''d buy!

The "Lifetime Scandalous" Award – R. Kelly

Kelly's authentic work in both the music and voyeuristic film industries has established him as a pillar in the community of repulsively scandalous yet talented human beings. His collaborations with Jay-Z, Twista, underage children, Cassidy, Ja Rule, and other people's wives prove that he will undoubtedly be a good source of raw, toe-tapping scandal for years to come.

Additional Awards

Winners not included in the ceremony:

The "Most Scandalous Rumor" Award -

Jay-Z Knocks Up Free, the host of BET's 106 & Park

"Jigga Man" reportedly impregnated Free, forcing her to resign from BET, and causing Matthew Knowles to weep in front of his Capitol colleagues over the resulting humiliation of his daughter Beyonce (Jay-Z's fiance).

The "Sorriest TV Show to Feature Hip-Hop Artists" Award - The Meth & Red Show

This embarrassment of a comedy resulted in a "long-term hiatus" from the series for the dynamic rap duo.

The "Sorriest Movie to Feature Hip-Hop Artists" Award – Soul Plane

Meth, now alongside Snoop Dogg and a random assortment of comedians, "ghettofied" and completely butchered the classic spoof flick Airplane.

The "Scan’lous Gub''ment" Award - NYPD "Hip-Hop Task Force"

New York's notorious police department admitted to forming a special unit aimed at keeping a close eye on various hip-hop artists'' street activity.

The "Learn the Game Before you Play" Award – Lil'' Flip

After Congress inflicted a soul-crushing anti-sampling law on the hip-hop world earlier this year, Lil'' Flip slipped and got slapped with two copyright-infringement lawsuits in less than three months.

The "Quick to Turn on Your Own Kind" Award - Missy Elliott

The artist formerly known as chubby, Missy Elliott, offended a number of her overweight fans with her "Pass That Dutch" music video.

The "Don''t Bite the Hand that Feeds You" Award - Chingy

An ungrateful Chingy chose to ditch mentor Ludacris and their DTP (Disturbing Tha Peace) family by making a cowardly accusation of unfair pay at the label--and in the media, rather than directly to his colleagues.

The "Stop Bitchin'' and Do Your Job" Award - DMX

High and mighty rap star/movie actor DMX refused to make any further recordings for his label, Def Jam, complaining about low standards in the music industry.

The "Manure on Tour" Award - Twista

An extremely hazardous 200 gallons of sewage poured onto the streets from Twista's tour bus during a concert in Indianapolis.